


What If And Why The Hell Not?

by RestlessCancer



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cutting, Fluff, M/M, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-03
Updated: 2013-10-03
Packaged: 2017-12-28 07:28:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/989364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RestlessCancer/pseuds/RestlessCancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John had been waiting years to meet karkat, but his first meeting wasn't at all what he expected. Karkat was not who John thought he was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What If And Why The Hell Not?

**Author's Note:**

> I am not a happy person at this point in my timeline, so i feel the need to vent. I still think about cutting sometimes, but I have someone who manages to put me in my place before i can even tell her that i want to. She's the greatest thing that's happened to this part of the world. I love you, Keegel.

The gate. It's finally within reach... Karkat thought. But why now? Why did everybody have to die before this? Why did I survive when I failed the most?

You look around at the few companions you have left. Dave, Terezi, Kanaya, Rose, Gamzee. That's all. Of 16, only 6 survived. And it's all your fault. If you had done better, they wouldn't be dead.

A flash of light zips in and out of existence in your peripherial vision. You turn and see a giant ship. That definitely wasn't there before. You stare at it. Suddenly, something is playing at your neck. You jump and turn. There's nothing there. you feel it again. Standing on the roof, you feel uneasy. you should be the only one there. Once more, you feel the same feeling. You pull your sickles out, standing defensively. Your arms, legs, torso, and chin tingle at the thought of their mutual friends, your protectors. 

A voice laughs, but no person is visible. "Jeez Karkat! You sure are jumpy!"

You tense. This is a new development... "Who the fuck are you?"

"Come on Karkat! Think. It's been 3 years. Did that bucket give you brain damage? I actually didn't mean to hit you with it."

"John?" You question, somehow even more uncomfortable than before.

“Of course Karkat! You know, to be honest, I thought you would be a little more intimidating given how much you like to cuss and be all angry and hormonal. Like buff or something.”

“And I expected you to look more intelligent since you claimed that you were an intelligent life form.” You reply bitterly, trying to hide your growing discomfort, feeling that he can practically see your body interacting with your sickles. It’s an intimate feeling that you don’t want anyone else to have a part of, even if it’s being able to see the way your body moves in correspondence to them.

“jeez, Karkat, if I didn’t know any better I would think that you weren’t comfortable talking to me.”

“You keep your psychoanalysis bullshit to yourself.”

“Calm down, Karkat. I’m just teasing you! I mean, you guys do it all the time, right? Like calling Dave a stoic prick?"

"That's not teasing, that's insulting with accuracy, John." You snap, your discomfort rising as you feel the blades calling to the battlefield called your skin. Many times your head and heart have tempted the blades to come closer, resulting in your shitty haircut and the need to wear a turtle neck and long pants.

"Karkat, why are you wearing that when it's so perfect out here? It's like the weather doesn't exist." John questions, ignoring your comment as he spins like homo ballerina, which is actually worse than a male ballerina in your book and you have grown a fondness for those poor same sex liking males of the human variety.

"What does it matter to you?" You grit your teeth, baring your razor sharp fangs in your defensive anger.

"It doesn't really, but it just makes me curious I guess." John shrugs, coming down to stand on the roof in front of you, an arm and a sickle's length away.

No, that's not what your sickles want. They want a taste of what they're supposed to guard; they crave their master's approval.

"I'm leaving." You tell him, stiffly walking away to re-enter the lab.

"Come on, Karkat! Let's talk! I missed all your rantings." John pleads.

"No." You answer through your gritted teeth as you keep walking, your fingers crawling towards the blades of your sickles. 

You feel hands suddenly grabbing under your arms attempting to lift you. Instead, your black sweater slide of your body and incites a gasp from John as he sees everything you've etched into your skin. Quadrants, random slashes, lessons that you felt you hadn't learned, and the mantra you still fail to live by: No Lies, Just Love.

"Karkat, i am so sorry!" John apologizes, looking alarmed as he hands your sweater back to you and continues to babble through some bull shit about wishing he hadn't done it and oh woe is he for not thinking that would have been a bad idea either way.

"Shut the hell up, Egbert." you say coldly as he watches in horror while you add another design, his god tier, to the spot just above your heart, the only space thus far unetched.

"Karkat! Stop! What's wrong! I don't understand what you're doing!" John begs.

"It's my punishment and my cleansing. Something as filthy as me needs cleaned now and again. This is how I, to use one of your shitty human phrases, dispel the bad blood."

"Karkat! That is a metaphor for conflict! You shouldn't take that literally!"

"Besides, I deserve it..." You say in a softer way and voice.

"Karkat, what could you have possibly done to deserve these?"

"It's my fault that so many are dead. If i had been a better leader then none of us would be dead, especially Sollux." you grind your teeth a bit.

"Karkat... Why would do this to yourself? Even if they did die, it's not your fault. The game kills anyone it can gets its hands on. You have to stop..." John says, not paying any mind to your reasoning.

"Fuck off and let me cleanse in peace." You spit, noticing the lack of blood drawn from your first attempt to engrave his symbol on your chest. you quickly go to work deepening the marks until a more desirable blood flow starts and droplets roll down your ashen, exposed flesh.

"Karkat! Stop!" John begs, attempting to pull your sickles away from you and getting a disturbingly deep and large gash on the back of his right hand.

"John!" You cry out, tears rolling down your face like hot wax as guilt consumes your entire being. "John, You fuckass! What were you thinking!"

"Karkat, please stop!" John pleads cradling his hand against his chest as blood pours out like water from a faucet.

You use your sweater to stop the bleeding, wrapping it as tightly as possible around his hand and escort him to kanaya's chambers where she is stitching up one of your pairs of jeans. She looks up at the two of you and gasps. She is mortified that you haven't quit yet and terrified since someone else got hurt while trying to intervene. John is staring at you as you sniffle and try to stop your own water works. Kanaya patches him up before moving on to you.

How could you have done that? Are you trying to kill him off to? Are doing it by your hand to make sure the deed is done? Really, what the hell Karkat!

You feel the impulse to cut again. You already fucked up and it feels even wierder now as you realize that John bleeds cherry red too... No. Not cherry red per say, but a rusty red, a red nonetheless. Why does he have a similar hemo color to you? Why does he care that you hurt yourself?

"Karkat, I need to go lie down..." John tells you.

"Fine. Come with me." You respond in a blase way.

You lead him to your quarters and have him lie down on your bed. He does and not long after, he's asleep. You can't help but watch him. Could it be true? That he's somehow linked to you, that maybe he's... You let the thought go. He said he isn't a homosexual. Whatever. Hours pass before he starts to stir awake. You are sitting on the floor on your knees with your arms folded and resting on the edge of your bed as your chin rests on your forearms. He turns onto his back and props himself up on his right arm, now facing you.

"Karkat, please tell me I dreamed all of that bull shit about you cutting..." He pleads in a breaking sleepy voice with a look of panicked desperation.

You look up at him with a guilty expression and bury your face in your folded arms, the tears coming back. You could have had him like you and he may have been will to teach you how to be a good leader, but now, you feel you'd be lucky to get him to pity you. 

You feel hands in your hair, pushing it this way and that, in such a tender, soothing manner that you look up to find John kneeling on the floor next to you. You practically tackle him as you throw yourself into his arms. You at least have his pity. He wraps his arms around you and pets your hair, his lips touching your horns in a comforting kiss. 

It has to be fate fucking with you again.

You look up and he meets your eyes, you drown in the warm blue ocean that glistens in his eyes as his concern ebbs and flows like a gentle tidal wave, smoothing the broken glass that is your being and slowly wearing it down to something that may be beautiful when it's all said and done.

You find yourself drawn closer to him, like a magnet. you press your lips to his and he pushes hisonto yours, seeming to find something that he was looking for and his tongue comes to tease yours. Your breath hot and stifling in his tenderly warm mouth. You pull away as the carbon dioxide builds up and outweighs the oxygen. He pulls away and helps you up. You stumble backward, clumsily falling onto the bed and shifting to lie in a ball on your left side. you feel the bed move and arms wrap around you. You loosen up and roll over to face him, burying your face in the curve of his neck.

"Promise me you won't hurt yourself. It hurts me when you do." He whispers.

"I promise if you can promise to never leave me alone. I feel strange and helpless when I'm alone. i hate feeling like the only one left..." You respond, breathing your Fiery breath around his neck, your eyes burning and dry.

"I promise. Even when you can't see me, my breath lies within you. There will always be a part of me with you." He promises.

"I promise. Just don't let them near me."

"Let who near you?"

"My Sickles. They like the fight I put up. They want a taste of what they shouldn't have."

"It will be like they never existed..." 

Just like Sollux... Just like all the trolls who died because of me. Maybe that's what I need. To Forget... You think to yourself as you cling to the one thing that has to be real, John and his intimacy.

Fate is at work tonight. John is your fate, he has mutant blood. He understands what you did and why and he cares what happens to you. 

Only fate would care about such a thing.

**Author's Note:**

> I think I'm finished with it now. If you want any sort of follow up, leave me a comment.


End file.
